Illyria helps
by bhut
Summary: Comic-verse AU: when dealing with a lord of Hell, a god-king is...a trickier helper than she may look.


**Illyria helps**

 _Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, but belong to their appropriate owners._

 _Note: this story is rated M for its language and subject._

...And so, Angel knocked on the door and was greeted by Spike, who was not very happy to see him. "Angel," he said coolly.

"Spike."

"Angel."

"Spike."

"Bored now," Illyria spoke from behind Angel and sent both him and Spike flying across the room with a single kick. The two vampires hit the opposite wall and slid down in a tangle. Illyria ignored them. "What's the problem?" she instead asked Willow, who stared.

"We're kind of having problems with a lord of Hell... he's been using Spike as a puppet... we think that Angel might be able to help... why are you here?"

"Faith the Vampire Slayer is busy helping her new friend Miss Zane," Illyria shrugged, "and since Angel feels that I'm friends with them now, he persuaded me to come – for a reward, anyways."

"Oh gee," Willow muttered sarcastically, (forgetting that Illyria did not deal with sarcasm very well), "how shall we ever repay you?"

"You will give me a dick."

"...Say what now?"

"A dick. A penis. You shall give me a penis," Illyria explained patiently, for her. "I was a _god-king_ , mortal, a god- _king_. Not a queen. Certain masculinity is implied, even by your primitive standards." She (or he?) paused. "True, a time or six, I did choose to have blister-wombs instead, which bore young, but it wasn't really my thing, so I feel that if I must stay, I shall be siring children instead – this body isn't really designed for a satisfying pregnancy, anyhow."

"This body is Fred's, actually," Willow muttered. "How do you think she'll feel with a penis?"

"The same way I feel without one – well, whatever you humans pass for it, anyways," Illyria shrugged. "Besides, I'm not unreasonable, and Fred and I have come to an understanding – you will tie the penis to my aspect of our shared body, and whenever Fred will be in charge of it, she will be purely human woman instead. Plus, if the law of converging mass still works here, she will actually develop bigger boobs, or hips, or something, and acquire a more, properly, feminine shape for herself – a win-win all around. Am I reasonable and smart or what?" she added as an afterthought.

"...That could actually work," Willow admitted, albeit quite reluctantly. "But, that sort of difference could, or would, eventually cause you to separate from Fred physically – I am not certain that you would be able to hold to our reality if that happened-"

"I'm not sure that I want to, actually," Illyria shrugged. "I was a _god-king_ once, a _god_ -king! Here, in your realm, I am not. That sort of thing makes a lot of difference to my kind, you know?"

"Yet here you are helping us," Willow said weakly.

"Yes, because otherwise I won't get a penis," Illyria shrugged. "So, is that everything, Willow?"

Willow stared. "We may decide not to give you a penis," she finally said, after casting a glance at the two ensouled vampires – but they were still lying prone, possibly unconscious or just...hurt (Illyria's kick wasn't gentle, after all).

"True, but I believe I know another mage who will give it to me all the same," Illyria shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. "It'll be trickier to persuade them, but I think I can do it." She paused, deep in thought. "Of course, if you'll force me to go for this option, and won't give me a penis, then you'll leave me no choice – after I get it I will court with flowers and candy and tasteful dates – by your human standards – until I win you over and make you my consort. How does that sound?"

"Don't you have a boyfriend?" Willow twitched.

"No, Fred Burke does. Koh. I am not Burke. I don't care about the demon," Illyria did not back down. "Now. What is the problem that you're struggling with?"

"Well, there is this lord of Hell, Archaeus, and he's been manipulating Spike," Willow admitted, not very enthusiastically. "We were hoping that Angel would help us, maybe Faith too..."

"Archaeus, you say?" Illyria frowned in thought. "Interesting. I know that being." She concentrated and spat out a small stream of liquid from within her mouth. The liquid fell into the middle of the Scoobies' room (well, actually that room was their living room, but who cares?) and formed a puddle of blueberry-purple liquid.

"Archaeus, heed my call, your parent demands your presence!" Illyria snarled, veins bulging on her forehead in concentration, even as the liquid burst into a foul flame (but not of a purple color) that formed some sort of a portal, with the Lord of Hell in question looking through it on the other end.

"Who dares to call me?" he snarled, but his anger quickly faded, as he saw Illyria on the other end. "M- f- you!"

"Your parent," Illyria said with a grimace. "What did I tell you, _son_ , about using other demons' toys? Without permission, again!"

"The vampire belongs to a Vampire Slayer!" Archaeus protested weakly. "That's different."

"Son," Illyria spoke with the infinite patience of a parent, whose child has done something stupid, "the saffron-robed Melinoe walks this world – and the others – once more. She had acknowledged the Vampire Slayers – _all of them_ – as the descendants of her only daughter, Sinyea. This makes the Vampire Slayers – _all of them_ – daemons, Archaeus. This makes them – distant family. Do you remember what I told you about distant family? Back when you were just a _little_ lord of Hell?"

"Well, now I am a proper lord instead," Archaeus muttered, semi-defiantly, but his heart was not in it. "And you seem to have been diminished. Maybe I could-" Illyria glared at him and the lord of Hell deflated completely. "Fine, I surrender the vampires to the Slayer," he muttered. "Please don't call on me any time soon, _parent_. I need to go and cry, for you still do not love me-" and he was gone.

(Spike and Angel twitched once and went slack once more, BTW.)

"There, problem solved," Illyria said grandly, as she slid her right arm around Willow's torso. "Now how about my penis?" she took a good look at Willow, (who was openly unenthusiastic) and frowned: "I'm still going to get it, whether you help me or not."

"Fine, I'll see what I can do," Willow did not appear to be too coved any longer. "But keep your hands off me, god-king." She paused and added. "You know, back when the world had no magic and before you and Koh had died to save us all? I liked you better!"

"Back then," Illyria replied, sounding rather subdued (and Fred-like, actually), "I was a different person – or is it personality? Come, while you prepare for my change, I'll explain."

Reluctantly, and not feeling very happy, Willow followed the god-king into her own room.

End?


End file.
